Healing from drug addiction, anxiety, hallucinations and delusions as well as aggression

E.d.G. (36), Amsterdam (Netherlands)

I was born in Surinam (the Netherlands Antilles). I was a difficult child. Sometimes I was confused and didn’t want to hear anything from anyone. I was afraid of the dark and of crossing the street. Sometimes I was aggressive and destroyed things. I also sometimes drank alcohol from little bottles and was once drunk for two days while still a child. My mother sometimes struck me. She probably didn’t know what do do with me.

In school I didn’t have much contact with other children. This had begun as early as kindergarten; I wanted to play too, but was always excluded. One time, my little brother showed me some money at school but I grabbed it out of his hand and invited everyone to have a doughnut. I liked to play the "big man" a lot. So I began to steal money more often and distribute presents.

I was often beaten and was regularly locked in my room. I would then sit there the whole day until my mother returned from work. As a thirteen-year-old I travelled all alone from Surinam to my grandma in the Netherlands. In 1986 my grandmother moved, and I stayed in a youth centre and lived in a private home.

The path to drugs

At that time the drug consumption began. A little joint and soon more - and a lot of alcohol. Any money I earned was soon used up and soon I couldn’t pay the rent anymore.

In late 1986 I suddenly heard voices. That scared me since there was no one around. On the street I clearly heard an auto that wasn’t there. I also had hallucinations. After that I slept three days and nights through. Then it went better for me, but I didn’t trust people anymore. I smoked pot again (c. 1-2 grams of hashish daily) and couldn’t concentrate anymore.

My mother visited me in the Netherlands just three times in all. That had a negative effect on me. I felt as though I had been left in the lurch and had vindictive feelings.

I worked in a bar and began to take Speed together with pills (Valium, Rohypnol and others) and alcohol. To get money I became a burglar, was caught by the police and sent to prison.

In 1987 I began to secretly sniff cocaine. I worked for various firms (as a welder and plate-fitter, among other things). My money was quickly gone from the pot-smoking. In 1990 I was treated at the Regional Institute for General Psychiatry (RIAGG). There was a shot of Haldol every two weeks and a consultation, but no therapy. I was homeless and got a room in a shelter for the homeless. I made such a confused impression at the employment office that I wasn’t given work. I received unemployment compensation for six months and after that social welfare. I was told that Speed was the cause of the delusions and that I therefore had to stop using it. That was okay, however I was using a lot of hashish and thus had too little money anyway. I started stealing, was caught and had to spend eight months in prison. I was apathetic, depressed and didn’t even go out into the yard for fresh air when allowed; on my release I was broken. I couldn’t even wash myself anymore. I was on the verge of suicide.

To have money, we stole bicycles

In 1995 I met a prison mate on the street who sold cocaine. I wanted to sniff, but they "cracked". So I became acquainted with the smoking of cocaine. At first I took a lot (two or three grams a day) because I had money. A gram cost 100 Gulden. To cover our cocaine consumption and food we stole around 15 bicycles a day. We were busy with that all night and went to bed in the morning. After that we ate, smoked a joint and then were off again. We had no rest. After my second stay in prison I was declared by the City Management Office to be unfit for work due to schizophrenia. I had considerably less money and had to restrict myself to 0.1 gram of cocaine a day. I only took heroin twice in all. Cocaine was my basis.

When I got out of prison in early 2000 I was advised to apply for a Methadone program, which I did. The diagnoses were continually changing. They apparently didn’t know what was wrong with me. One of the nurses told me I had schizophrenia. That meant nothing to me. She gave me books in which this or that was familiar to me. I also heard that this was the result of my drug consumption.

During the last months before my first contact with the Bruno Gröning Circle of Friends I was taking an average of two grams of cocaine every day, 40 to 50 ml of one-percent Methadone, one gram of hemp and six to ten glasses of beer. I was getting the high dose of Methadone from the City Health Service. They wanted me to take more and more Methadone in order to stay away from the other drugs.

The Helpers with the flyers were trustworthy

A flyer about Bruno Gröning was hanging in the boarding house where I was living, but I was very sceptical and the photo, too, didn’t appeal to me at first. Helpers with flyers often came by. They gave me a trustworthy impression, and I went along to the introductory Hour. Shortly before Christmas, 1999 I was introduced to the teaching of Bruno Gröning.

During the first Community Hour I heard the words "good and evil". I felt the Heilstrom immediately. I wept-I hadn’t often experienced that. I got feelings of guilt for the first time and began to think about it. I left early because I couldn’t listen to any more. During that Hour I had rested for the first time and taken in energy. After that I immediately went out again to steal bicycles.

It slowly goes up

After the introduction I firmly believed that I would become well. I went on taking cocaine since I felt happy and strong and thought, "I’ll be healthy anyway." I wanted to do Einstellen, but that didn’t last long. I couldn’t think clearly. I didn’t realize yet that it helped. But the energy was working!

I always stayed in contact. Strangely enough, the stealing went better after the introduction, but I was also more often caught than before the introduction. Every two months I would be caught in the act. And then there were the unpaid traffic tickets, too. Sometimes I had to sit in jail for days, weeks or months. After Christmas, 2001 I always tuned in more often and after February 2002 I went to a Community Hour every week. I always had several pictures of Bruno Gröning hanging up and read a lot about his teaching. Through regular Einstellen I gained trust and belief in the effect of the divine energy and got more and more healthy.

From October to December 2001 I had already come down from 40 to 20 ml in the Methadone program. Then I completely stopped Methadone in December 2001. I was helped in this by looking for a job and a regular daily routine. However, I went on taking two or three grams of cocaine a day. After that it became somewhat less, and I got by without cocaine for three weeks. I found it disgusting but was afraid of meeting the dealer and thus having a relapse. It was a battle.

Back to normal life

During the Spring Conference in Geseke in April 2002 I heard a lecture with Bruno Gröning’s original voice. After returning home I immediately started volunteer work in an out-patient centre for psychiatric patients and didn’t want to take any more. Then after a meeting with colleagues I drank six or eight beers and the next day I was on cocaine again. It really became clear to me that the one led to the other. Then I remembered the words, "when you give in to evil you give in to everything."

In late July 2002 I totally stopped using cocaine, hashish and alcohol. This time I had no withdrawal symptoms. Since August 2002 I have been working as a volunteer under contract with the aforementioned out-patient centre. At present I am a member of the management team and supervise a group of five visitors as they work. The contract is for four days a week, six hours a day of volunteer work which is, however, not without obligation. In late May 2003 I was able to move into a rental flat under the project "Accompanied Living". I went for a urine check twice a week. That demonstrated well that I was completely free of drugs and alcohol. I feel good; that is, I am aware of my strengths, am no longer afraid of a relapse, am no longer anxious and am neither aggressive nor depressive. I no longer have hallucinations or delusions and take no alcohol or pills-and no more drugs. After two years without an immigration permit I have it again, along with a bank account, so that I can look for a permanent job. During the period from August 2002 to May 2003 I paid back all my drug debts to the amount of 7,000 Gulden.

Doctor’s comment:

From 1993, Mr. de G. was dependent on alcohol, tablets and various drugs, but most of all cocaine. Additionally, he suffered from anxiety and hallucinations. In 1998, he was certified as unfit for work. In a medical opinion in 1996, an insurance doctor diagnosed him with schizophrenia and delusional disturbance and suggested he be pensioned off as disabled. Attempts by several institutions to help him usually ended in nothing. Inclusion in a government-run methadone programme led to an escalation of the drug addiction.

A good two years after his introduction to the teaching of Bruno Gröning and he is free from all drugs. It is striking that he had no withdrawal symptoms. The drug unit at the Jellinek-clinic confirmed on April 3, 2003, "Mr. de G. is very well. He is clean and the urine tests have been ceased." Usually the occurrence of relapse for drug addictions after detoxification and withdrawal therapy is over 90 %. Complete recovery to a permanent drug-free state is indicative of a healing on the spiritual path.

T. H., M.D., specialist for psychosomatic medicine and psychotherapy